Some Sanctuaries are Cold & Sterile

Trusting that all things happen for a reason, I am steadily learning to embrace the crazy with a “what are you trying to teach me, God?” heart stance. Enough crazy will do that to a person and who better to talk to about it than the One who makes the whole world go round?

The last time I saw a Dr. was in 2014 when I flew home from Haiti to seek medical care over some abdominal issues but some doubling over abdominal pain this past Friday led to spending 10 overnight hours in the ER.

After seeking the advice of my closest medical peeps and without putting it off any longer, I assured the kiddos that everything was going to be fine and kissed them goodnight before taking a trip to the newly remodeled ER in Winter Haven.  

Those of you who know me well know that
      when it comes to medical or dental stuff, 

chaos and weird are in the mix for me.
      This past Friday night proved no different.

I hate needles unless I’m sewing and sometimes I don’t even like those. I absolutely despise IVs and have been known to nearly hyperventilate over the start of some. I don’t have “good” veins so after 6 sticks and the 2 different people tried 5 lines and failed, they called in the “pro”. His job was to use an ultrasound machine to find a good deep vein that wouldn’t collapse like the others. My question at that point was why they didn’t call him in, being the pro, to begin with.

I begged God for mercy and took advantage of the ‘waiting for Chris, the pro, to arrive’ and texted my on-call prayer warriors at 4:05am and begged for prayers that they’d get it right on the 7^th stick. 20 minutes later it was done. Bigger needle, deeper stick and lots of tape but it was done.

Rolling back for the CT, I was freezing & anxious to get some news and move on. My brain ran through the maybes & ifs. 4 hours, 4 tests, some fluids and 3 meds later, a Dr. came in and told me they detected an old issue that I already knew about (that wasn’t a threat and hasn’t bothered me) and went on to say that they found nothing in the area causing me so much pain.

I stared blankly as he diagnosed me with “abdominal pain”, prescribed some pain meds and told me to follow-up with a primary care physician this week and I was discharged.

Near tears, frustrated and exhausted I went home at 8:30am where I was greeted by my 10 year old and a get-well banner just before falling into bed.

I got up yesterday afternoon in time to see my family before they left for church and then grabbed my journal and cried through what had been my weekend.  I had a splitting headache but my abdominal pain was gone. Worn out from the week that kicked off with Hurricane Irma, and reflecting on the last 24 hours, I began to pray through the lyrics of Mercy Me’s “Even If” that played in the backgroud…

                “God, when You choose to leave the mountains unmoved…

                Give me the strength to sing, “It is well with my soul”.

                I know You are able & I know You can save…

                Through the fire with Your mighty hand.

                But even if You don’t …

                My hope is You alone.

               
                You’ve been so faithful, You’ve been so good.

                I know the sorrow and all the pain would go away…

                If You would just say the word.

                But even if You don’t my hope is You alone.”

               

I trust God has a purpose for all things and as insane as the last several hours had been I chose to believe that this was, yet, another lesson of learning to trust when I couldn’t understand what was going on.

I spent several hours praying and moved from the “whys” to asking God what it was He wanted me to know through this. I started to thank Him for being faithful, for giving me strength that I didn’t have, for making me brave, and for being a friend who could see what no one else did. I thanked Him for the kind hospital staff and I asked for His assurance that He is still in control, especially when things seem to be swirling out of control.

I asked for wisdom, for courage and for grace. I praised Him that things weren’t worse and claimed His promises for healing. Despite not knowing what is actually going on, I prayed and sang promises back to Him as Hillsong’s song played, “Even when it makes no sense to sing, louder then I’ll sing  Your praise”.

Running back through the night before, I wrote as God revealed things as clear as if He were physically sitting here. It’s true that as we give an offering of praise, God is present. He is faithful and He reminded me that He doesn’t just give us pieces, but His all. In fact, during family devotion time last week we talked about faithfulness and how through Irma and all of life's storms, God IS perfect faithfulness.

In reflection, I couldn’t stop thinking about the horrible IV experience and then it hit me that I am much like those collapsed veins, unfaithful even. I have prayed for years to be a vessel for God to work through. I believe He has answered my prayers but I suddenly felt very convicted about the times when I was weak and when I had collapsed from trying to do things in my own strength…when I didn’t follow His plan because mine seemed more convenient, easier or faster.

Trying to refuel on anything but God will always lead to collapse.

Chris, the pro IV starter, had to go deep to find an adequate vein (vessel) so that the radiologist techs could do their job. It’s painful to go deep whether we are talking about blood vessels or human vessels for Christ, right? But it’s in the deep where we find our weakness is met with His strength and in Him we don’t collapse. We can allow Him to flow and reach others that He puts in our path. We can share the life that He gives and we aren’t the only ones who benefit.

I may never understand why it took needles to get me still enough this weekend to "go deep" and I may glean on those 10 crazy, uncomfortable hours for a while to come with or without further health issues but this I know…though the sanctuary may sometimes be cold and sterile, when He calls me to go deep, I won’t ever settle for surface level again.

“Let loose the lines that are holding you to the shore and sail into the deep.”
-J. Gresham Machen

“Your bad things will turn out for the best,

Your good things can never be taken from you,

Your best things are yet to come.”

-Jonathan Edwards