"Even when your vision is born of God, you'll experience times of both faith and fear. You can have clarity in one area, yet experience confusion in another."
When I was younger and getting ready to start college I remember feeling the pull to surrender... my will, my ways, my heart, my life. I had previously made a decision to follow Christ, admitting that I needed a Savior, but as I was growing in my walk, many times my life didn't reflect that decision.
As a new college student (and after learning some things the hard way), I became more aware of my real need for a Savior and I wanted my life to reflect what He had been doing in my heart. I assumed that those I did life with would cheer me on and encourage me and 'high-five' my plans to turn my life around but what actually happened left me devastated and full of questions. I had never felt so alone. My "circle" no longer found me valuable when I decided that partying wasn't the only thing in life that mattered. And that hurt. Losing friends and a boyfriend of 3 years due to "bettering" myself was hard.
I questioned God and I also questioned my decision.
"God, I am trying to do the right thing here... I agreed to follow You and this is what I get???? Isolation... Betrayal... A big ole slap in the face? I was better off when I had people! I'm following Your lead, Your instructions and all I feel is pain. Why, God, why?!?"
I eventually fell into the "right" life and then everything worked out beautifully and things have been hunky-dory since. And if you believe that then come vaca with me at my beachfront property!
The truth is that although I met and married the man of my dreams during my college days and have made some of the most incredible friends over the last 20 years, things have gotten harder as I have journeyed.
I really thought we wouldn't survive some events from hell during our preparation to move to Haiti. But we did. When we finally arrived, our first year was hard, as anticipated, but despite losing our vehicle twice, losing sleep while adjusting to the heat, working with individuals who stole from us, and learning to eat things we wouldn't ordinarily eat, we survived and even thrived at times, too. While some in the community embraced us with open arms, others shared that they never intended to embrace the 'blancos' or white people. Still, we didn't question our being in this foreign land because we knew God had called us here. This proved to be fuel for the enemy to turn things up a notch or two, I firmly believe.
Approved plans were underway for this new year until we were asked by our church partners in early January to leave the mission where we were working. With no clear reason to date and a silence that shook us to the core, we continued to journey even when we didn't know where we were going.
We were commended for good that was done while our experience was packaged up with a tacky bow and a card saying, "it's time to go home". In spite of many unanswered questions and many implications from some at our home church that said our time in Haiti was 'done' we believe God was calling us to stay.
We know, as many of you can attest to in your own lives, that our calling was never meant to be easy (I Thessalonians 3:3-4). We are told in James 1: 2-4 to persevere
whenever we face trials, not
if we face trials. So while it's one thing to share
a God-given vision with your circle and to set out with fresh hope and new dreams, how do you cope when you find yourself in the middle of the desert or stuck in the valley watching your circle become a speck? What do you do when the plan God orchestrated appears to be falling apart? Where do you turn when you have no physical place to go?
It's times like these that our enemy loves to send the darts of doubt sailing. Sometimes we get caught up in questions that make us wonder if God really said what we thought He said. As challenges surmount we question whether we should actually keep going and oftentimes we give up and we question God like I did back in college.
I was encouraged by Shakirah Hill's words in Relevant Magazine in February. She said,
"Challenging callings have biblical precedent. When we do great things in the name of God, we can be sure that while His ways will always be the best, they definitely won’t be the easiest."
She referenced Abraham, Noah, and Esther and the list goes on and on from those we can learn from who faced huge hurdles in Scripture. It sure helps me to be reminded that we aren't alone and that difficult doesn't mean destitute as she went on to say.
"Yes, our callings may be challenging and they may require more of our time and resources than we expected. But, we can trust in God’s character. God is faithful to extend provision to His children and sometimes God’s provision comes in an unlikely form, as was the case when the poor widow fed Elijah. If you’re in a place of pursuing God’s plan for your life and a lack of resources is what’s making your calling difficult, remember that difficult doesn’t mean destitute. God has already set provision in place for you to accomplish everything He’s called you to do."
Before giving up or giving in to doubt, admit how you feel. Take it to the One who spurred your vision to begin with and know that He understands how you feel before you do. You aren't alone. And until God tells you to move, pop a squat..... sit still and wait for Him to send directions cause "right" is rarely easy.
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