I'm struggling today... down to the last 24 hours of packing/loading... I was super busy yesterday and didn't stop long enough to 'feel'. We had some super helpers here working hard and we had a wonderful dinner with some of our closest peeps last night... it was an all around good day!
Today, I can't help but feel. I am sad about what I am having to give up. Though I stand to gain so much more, I am sad about what I'm losing and what I will lose in the next couple of months, too.
Man, this is hard!
The piles that I have shifted from one location to the other because I didn't want to have to 'deal' with them are staring me in the face this morning. I got up at 5am and started packing but by 6am I was back in bed. The bed we have to load today.
The walls are bare in most rooms and there are half packed boxes in each because when it gets hard, I shift to the next one. Ugh, I feel so torn... I have got to get finished! I know this!!! Please pray for me today..for all of us today.
Please pray that I can let go of the things I won't need even though some of them represent years of memories! Letting go is extremely hard and not something I've ever been good at.
Our rabbits left earlier this week headed to their new home. Sam, our Great Pyrenees, is not doing well physically. He didn't get up much at all yesterday and he's usually quite vocal when so many people are going in and out of the house. Winston, our West Highland Terrier, paces a good bit - knowing things aren't "normal".
I am grieving now but know I that I will be celebrating all of our new adventures soon.
I remain grateful for your prayers...PLEASE keep them coming!
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
4 days
4 days…4…days
Everything we plan to take with us to Haiti
has to be packed and loaded by Sunday of this week…… yes…IN…FOUR…DAYS…I woke up
at 4:30 this morning with racing thoughts of how I plan/intend/hope to get the
rest of it all done in the allotted time.
I continue to be
amazed at how directly God speaks in the midst of our current ‘situations’ through
my daily devotionals.
(smiles)
This is
what mine said today:
“Trust
Me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them.
Relax, and refresh yourself in the Light of My everlasting Love. My Love-Light
never dims, yet you are often unaware of My radiant Presence. When you project
yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking
to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without My help. This is the subtle
sin-so common that it usually slips by unnoticed.
The
alternative is to live fully in the present, depending on Me each moment.
Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in My abundant supply. Train your
mind to seek My help continually, even when you feel competent to handle
something by yourself. Don’t divide your life into things you can do by
yourself and things that require My help. Instead, learn to rely on Me in every
situation. This discipline will enable you to enjoy life more and to face each
day confidently."
Psalm 37:3-6, “Trust in the LORD and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you your heart's desires. Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust Him, and He will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun."
Philippians 4:19, "And this same God who God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus."
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Restless...
I really tried to
catch up on some much needed rest tonight by going to bed early. I actually went to bed around 8:30! For this night owl, that is E.A.R.L.Y…anyway,
wasn’t long after I got into bed that I started attempting to avoid some of
those feelings I blogged about last night in Wo-o-o-o feelings so I started playing a game on my phone. After a little conversation with John, I started
feeling really anxious cause the feelings I was trying to avoid were creeping
up-way too close for comfort-and it wasn’t long before I shut down in
conversation all together but kept playing the game (no pun intended)… When that got old, I checked my messages on
FaceBook and then as it got close to 10 o’clock I shut the phone and lights off
and tried to go to sleep. (John was
already asleep for those of you wondering if I left him up in the dark.) Wasn’t long until Hershey (my cat) came and
settled in…in my face. (He’s never
satisfied with lying near my feet or at my back but always wants to settle as
close as he can to my face/neck area.) A
lot of the feelings I was working so hard to avoid tonight had to do with him
and our (2) other four-legged, furry kids so his ever-so-close presence wasn’t
helping. I scooted him over [twice] and
he came right back [twice]…now purring…
It’s after 11 o’clock and
I can’t sleep so here I am… not resting…
*WARNING: This post may contain material that
is unsuitable for readers seeking only happy, frilly, ‘warm & fuzzy’ posts.*
Losing my good friend,
Jana, over a week ago was hard for very obvious reasons but extra hard because
I think I saw it as the beginning of many goodbyes lurking in my near future. Goodbyes I wasn’t ready to face. Not a week ago and not now. Our close family that is currently within short driving
distance will soon be an expensive, full-day’s air-travel-distance away. Extended family will be farther away than
ever before and friends that seem like family will be distant, as well. Then there are the final goodbyes… my furry children
are such a huge part of life as I know it.
Right now one of the biggest hurdles I'm struggling with is losing them. If you aren’t a pet person, I don’t expect you
to understand but these feelings that I have tried to walk around for the last
7 months regarding my pets are exactly the reason I tried to bargain with God
years ago when I told him I’d ‘go’ if He ever ‘called’ as long as I didn’t have
to give up my pets… for the rich young ruler it was his wealth, for me it was my animal kiddos. I find solace in the fact that I will see family and
friends again. I’ll be able to talk to them (hopefully face-to-face some) with
technology but leaving my pets behind means I’m potentially telling them goodbye
forever. Sam, Winston and Hershey (and
Mischief before she passed away almost 2 years ago) were my ‘children’ before
we had children. They have been such a big part of my life for over 14 years and quite frankly the thought of
having to “interview” people to see who gets to take my pets infuriates me. I cannot wrap my brain around how I’m
supposed to even begin this “search” for new pet-parents for MY pets...pets
that I don’t want to give up. I have
tried so hard to face the facts and be ok with this but I’m just not.
SIDE NOTE: If you’ve
asked me about finding homes for them lately and I’ve been less than friendly
in my response, I do apologize. Please
don’t take it personal…it’s really my problem, not anything you’ve done. I met someone last week
that had been reading our blog and they asked me if I had found homes for the
dogs yet. I thought I was going to come ‘unglued’
for sure. I was barely dealing with the
loss of my friend and then they wanted to discuss that. I didn't mean to be rude but I think I walked away without ever really answering the question completely.
Anyway, I know I’m
weird... ok, whatever…I just get really, really, really attached to
animals and it literally takes my breath to discuss me moving and leaving mine behind. 2 of my furry kids were birthday
gifts to me from John so I guess this is his fault. (Just kidding, dear!) Seriously,
I know to some my laying next to a grown dog (who, when stretched out is taller
than me) is crazy but somehow I feel that if I hold him close enough he won’t
disappear. He's way past his prime and I'm not sure he'll reach his 11th birthday. Considering his breed has a 8-9 year life expectancy, he's done well! I selfishly hope I will be able to see him through his last days but only God knows...
Having a cat like my Hershey that
has an ‘inner voice’ telling him when I’m struggling and needing a physical
presence beside me is unbelievable but actual! He always seems to be there..even at 4am when I was journaling in my closet about going to Haiti almost a year ago before I shared all my thoughts with John. He followed me tonight when I got out of bed BTW, and aside from taking a midnight snack break, has been with me while I've been blogging.
And then there's my Prince
Winston… I’ve never met a more faithful companion than my Winston! I feel
like I’ve been to hell and back a couple of times over the last 15 years and he
has been there through it all and still prefers me to any other.
Do I still feel like God has called us to
move to Haiti? Yes
Am I mad at God? Not at the moment.. I have been angry but I know Him well enough to know He would never call me to do something that isn't for the best in the long run.
Am I excited about our move and our new
adventures in Haiti? Yes, yes!
Am I excited about leaving behind these creatures that I love? Absolutely not!
I just can’t do it, God… I cannot draw the line and cross it…I am not able, God…not in my own strength...I cannot look at them and tell them after 10 ½ to 14 ½ years that I’m leaving them…for good…for another life…an unfamiliar life…
Ughghghgh..... By admitting my "issue", I am taking a step and asking… a small step, yes, but I’m asking… not for you to
tell me about a friend who has a friend who knows a girl who’s interested in
looking at one of my pets BUT asking for some of you to commit to pray with me/for
me regarding a goodbye I don’t want to embrace.
Sometimes I feel ridiculous since I’m literally losing sleep over something that seems so huge to me yet
pales GREATLY in comparison to what others
around me are going through. But as much
as I’d like to believe that it’s not that big a deal, to me.... it is. It is my monster…it is my joy robber and my
giant. You and I may be in different
places and maybe you’d gladly swap “issues” with me but either way, I read
tonight in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 where Paul wrote this, “Praise be to the God and
Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all
comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in
any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” I am at a standstill.. I don't know how God is going to "work this for my good" as He says in Romans 8 but I trust Him. I trust that He is who He says He is and that means He is the Father of compassion. I believe that He is growing me and I believe that my relationship with Him is reaching new levels. Doesn't mean that I have to like it or be happy about my call to sacrifice... but then admitting that, that doesn't mean that I'm not happy about the adventures that lie ahead on the other side of my sacrifice, either. I have always said I was so grateful I didn't live in Bible times where animal sacrifices were customary...while this is not the same, I feel like it is definitely similar. ...sigh...
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