I’d love to tell you that the last 7 days have been a
beautiful interpretation of my ‘belonging’ but let me give you a few
“highlights” from our week instead.
VooDoo drums have played for 3-4 days at a time and I
literally heard them all throughout the night one night. Not exactly peaceful ‘white noise’…
I’ve suffered with chronic headaches more than half my life but while we’ve been here they have been manageable for the most part. This last week they were so bad I had to make myself get up and get stuff done. The last thing you want to do with a terrible headache is serve… no matter how much you love Christ or anyone else for that matter.
John and I both experienced disappointment this last week when finding out that some we trusted just can’t be trusted. Being deceived always stinks!
I’ve witnessed animal abuse that I can do absolutely nothing about since the animals don’t belong to me and that tears me up inside.
Yesterday was probably the most miserable, absurdly hot day in church since we’ve been here. As hot as it was outside, it felt like we walked into a room with A/C when we exited the church. My tailbone has been killing me where I fell on the stairs a couple of months ago, making sitting almost unbearable this past week so the heat coupled with the thin wooden benches we sat on for 2 ½ hours seemed torturous at best.
After fixing lunch and clearing the table, I declared a stern “Girls Nap Time” and marched upstairs. I ‘tucked the girls in’ and headed for my place of solace… my bed. The one place I have in the house that is mine (and Johns, of course). The one place I don’t have to share (except with John J). The one place I have a fan and cushy pillows. As I lay there -head pounding- I thanked God for this place…my bed! While soaking up the recycled air from the fan, I closed my eyes and attempted to take a nap in between the usual outside noises. An hour or so went by before I got up to start dinner. At bedtime I prayed that today would be a great one and went to sleep!
About 4am this morning (not an hour that I can usually make any sense), things started to make sense regarding all the issues this past week… but what does all this have to do with my enemies?
While my greatest enemy runs rampant I think it’s anything
but coincidental that my last 7 days have been full of great trials. 1 Peter 5:8 says, “Be self-controlled and
alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for
someone to devour.”
If I have confidence that I am right where I am supposed to be and I had the audacity to share that with you last week then what is the perfect job for one who wants to destroy me?
If I have confidence that I am right where I am supposed to be and I had the audacity to share that with you last week then what is the perfect job for one who wants to destroy me?
Yep, to try and make me question my confidence and even my belonging…
So why did things start making sense at 4am this morning?
Because that’s when I woke up and then started to FREAK OUT… it wasn’t until after I felt something on my neck, grabbed it and flung it across the room that I realized what had just happened….
I got up, looked to see what it was and cringed
when I found out.
Now would be a great time to tell you that I don’t like
spiders, I don’t like crickets, I don’t like ants and I don’t like the other
indistinguishable bugs here but nothing that crawls freaks me out more than the
demons otherwise known as cockroaches….
Oh, Lord in Heaven and on earth, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There was one in my bed?!? On MY NECK?!?!? The one place I have that is mine… my safe haven… my solace… NO, it can’t be!!!! ‘Surely I am just not awake and can’t see all that well’, I thought. I wacked at it again and again with my flip-flop and then turned the light on to ensure that it was dead and to see where in the world it had come from. John is a heavy sleeper and had no idea that I pulled the sheet off the bed, moved every pillow (including the one he was laying on), looked behind the painting on the wall, inspected every crack and crevice and even checked the hall, the kids’ rooms and the living area to make sure there wasn’t a trace of another one. In 7 months, I do not recall seeing a single cockroach in my room before this morning. Not one! Downstairs in the storage area is a different story but our bedrooms are probably the cleanest bedrooms in Camp Coq and no food is allowed in them so why now?!?
For the first time since we moved to Haiti I stopped and said, “That’s it! I’m ready to go!”
“God you know I can’t stand those things… and there was one
ON MY NECK in MY bed!!!!!” “Come on,
really God? In my bed? What am I supposed to do now? I have NO where to go! It was my one place, God…” I wanted to cry… I thought I was going to be
sick…. I mean, I have called John to
come downstairs before when I was stuck between two walls with cockroaches
nearby for fear of moving and them moving towards me. I do believe I just told John the other night
that if one ever got on me that I would die…
Well, I didn’t die (obviously) but a few moments after I beat the thing a few more times I felt for a second like my enemy was here and laughing in victory at my demise. Within a few seconds things were clear… the disappointment I felt this week, the conflicts with some people that I’m close to, the pain, the heartache and now the disgust in my own house…. it all started making sense.
I have nothing on the trials Job faced but what if the enemy was trying to make me turn on my Lord and curse him the way he wanted Job to do?
And what if he wanted to raise doubts about my God the way he wanted to raise doubts with Jesus in the desert (see Matthew 4:1-11 & Luke 4:1-13). He knows better than to denounce God but you better believe he knows how to throw doubts our way to make us question our place!
If I adhere to certain food restrictions then I don’t have as many issues with major headaches but simply put, most days I can chose to eat what’s here or I can chose not to eat. Wouldn’t God provide what’s needed if He brought me here? Wouldn’t there be plenty of food that doesn’t cause me issues if I am where I’m supposed to be?’
My tailbone was fine weeks ago so why the excruciating pain now? I was doing so much better and not having problems last month… why so much trouble sitting this past week? I do believe angels cushioned my fall so why recurring pain?
I would’ve easily argued that it was enough that I had to give up my own pets to be here but having to sit quietly at the abuse of those around me is heart wrenching to say the least.
Right? Not a chance!
“Our enemy attempts to shift our source of confidence away from God’s promise and toward our performance”, says Max Lucado in A Next Door Savior. “Doubt your doubts before you doubt your beliefs. Hang in there. Your time in the desert will pass. Jesus’ did. Matthew 4:11 says, ‘The devil left him and behold his angels came and began to minister to Him.’ Till angels come to you, trust His Word and trust His work.”
We can expect to encounter adversity no matter where we are. We live in a deeply fallen world so that’s a given. One of the main problems with having an easy life (if there is such a thing) is that it covers up our need for Christ. Sarah Young adds, “Anticipate coming face to face with impossibilities: situations totally beyond your ability to handle.”
A cockroach in my bed is a situation that is totally beyond my ability to handle but that and every other challenge I face is the perfect place to encounter my Christ. When I am at my end, He is there to carry me. When I am done, He’s just getting started… Nothing surprises Him. Not my feelings, not my actions, not even my reactions and certainly not my situations.
That doesn’t mean that I’m not praying and begging that I never have to encounter another ‘situation’ like the one this morning but it does mean that even in the midst of ‘situations’ my doubts don’t take away from His perfect care for me. I believe that I can say with great assurance, “God, you’re my refuge. I trust in you and I’m safe! That’s right- he rescues you from hidden traps, shields you from deadly hazards. His huge outstretched arms protect you-under them you are perfectly safe; his arms fend off all harm. Fear nothing-not wild wolves in the night, {or demonic cockroaches}…” (Psalm 91:2-5, Italics mine)
By a power that far surpasses my own, I was able to get back
into my bed and go back to sleep this morning.
I prayed until I fell asleep again but I slept. Huge battle conquered… and as bedtime approaches again tonight, I am
prepared for war.
How does Satan raise doubts about God in your life? In your marriage? In your job? Within your family?
If you belong to Christ then you, like me, live in the midst
of some pretty fierce spiritual battles.
Take comfort in knowing, (as my girls reminded me through song this
afternoon), that our God is so big… so strong and so mighty… and that there’s
nothing that he cannot do!
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