Trusting that all things happen for a reason, I am steadily
learning to embrace the crazy with a “what
are you trying to teach me, God?” heart stance. Enough crazy will do that
to a person and who better to talk to about it than the One who makes the whole
world go round?
The last time I saw a Dr. was in 2014 when I flew home from
Haiti to seek medical care over some abdominal issues but some doubling over
abdominal pain this past Friday led to spending 10 overnight hours in the
ER.
After seeking the advice of my closest medical peeps and
without putting it off any longer, I assured the kiddos that everything was going
to be fine and kissed them goodnight before taking a trip to the newly
remodeled ER in Winter Haven.
Those of you who know me well know
that
when it comes to medical or dental stuff,
when it comes to medical or dental stuff,
chaos and weird are in the mix
for me.
This past Friday night proved no different.
This past Friday night proved no different.
I hate needles unless I’m sewing and sometimes I don’t even
like those. I absolutely despise IVs and have been known to nearly
hyperventilate over the start of some. I don’t have “good” veins so
after 6 sticks and the 2 different people tried 5 lines and failed, they called in the “pro”.
His job was to use an ultrasound machine to find a good deep vein that wouldn’t
collapse like the others. My question at that point was why they didn’t call
him in, being the pro, to begin with.
I begged God for mercy and took advantage of the ‘waiting
for Chris, the pro, to arrive’ and texted my on-call prayer warriors at 4:05am
and begged for prayers that they’d get it right on the 7th stick. 20
minutes later it was done. Bigger needle, deeper stick and lots of tape but it
was done.
Rolling back for the CT, I was freezing & anxious to get
some news and move on. My brain ran through the maybes & ifs. 4 hours, 4 tests,
some fluids and 3 meds later, a Dr. came in and told me they detected an old
issue that I already knew about (that wasn’t a threat and hasn’t bothered me)
and went on to say that they found nothing in the area causing me so much pain.
I stared blankly as he diagnosed me with “abdominal pain”, prescribed
some pain meds and told me to follow-up with a primary care physician this week
and I was discharged.
Near tears, frustrated and exhausted I went home at 8:30am
where I was greeted by my 10 year old and a get-well banner just before falling
into bed.
I got up yesterday afternoon in time to see my family before
they left for church and then grabbed my journal and cried through what had
been my weekend. I had a splitting
headache but my abdominal pain was gone. Worn out from the week that kicked off
with Hurricane Irma, and reflecting on the last 24 hours, I began to pray
through the lyrics of Mercy Me’s “Even If” that played in the backgroud…
“God, when You
choose to leave the mountains unmoved…
Give me the
strength to sing, “It is well with my soul”.
I know You are
able & I know You can save…
Through the fire
with Your mighty hand.
But even if You
don’t …
My hope is You
alone.
You’ve been so faithful, You’ve been so good.
I know the sorrow and all the
pain would go away…
If You would just say the word.
But even if You don’t my hope is
You alone.”
I trust God
has a purpose for all things and as insane as the last several hours had been I
chose to believe that this was, yet, another lesson of learning to trust when I
couldn’t understand what was going on.
I spent
several hours praying and moved from the “whys” to asking God what it was He
wanted me to know through this. I started to thank Him for being faithful, for
giving me strength that I didn’t have, for making me brave, and for being a
friend who could see what no one else did. I thanked Him for the kind hospital staff
and I asked for His assurance that He is still in control, especially when
things seem to be swirling out of control.
I asked for
wisdom, for courage and for grace. I praised Him that things weren’t worse and
claimed His promises for healing. Despite not knowing what is actually going
on, I prayed and sang promises back to Him as Hillsong’s song played, “Even
when it makes no sense to sing, louder then I’ll sing Your praise”.
Running back
through the night before, I wrote as God revealed things as clear as if He were
physically sitting here. It’s true that as we give an offering of praise, God
is present. He is faithful and He reminded me that He doesn’t just give us pieces, but His all. In fact,
during family devotion time last week we talked about faithfulness and how through
Irma and all of life's storms, God IS perfect faithfulness.
In
reflection, I couldn’t stop thinking about the horrible IV experience and then it
hit me that I am much like those collapsed veins, unfaithful even. I have prayed for years to be a vessel for
God to work through. I believe He has answered my prayers but I suddenly felt very convicted
about the times when I was weak and when I had collapsed from trying to do
things in my own strength…when I didn’t follow His plan because mine seemed
more convenient, easier or faster.
Trying to
refuel on anything but God will always lead to collapse.
Chris, the
pro IV starter, had to go deep to find an adequate vein (vessel) so that the
radiologist techs could do their job. It’s painful to go deep whether we are
talking about blood vessels or human vessels for Christ, right? But it’s in the
deep where we find our weakness is met with His strength and in Him we don’t
collapse. We can allow Him to flow and reach others that He puts in our path.
We can share the life that He gives and we aren’t the only ones who benefit.
I may never understand why it took needles to get me still enough
this weekend to "go deep" and I may glean on those 10 crazy, uncomfortable hours
for a while to come with or without further health issues but this I know…though
the sanctuary may sometimes be cold and sterile, when He calls me to go deep, I
won’t ever settle for surface level again.
“Let loose the lines
that are holding you to the shore and sail into the deep.”
-J. Gresham Machen
-J. Gresham Machen
“Your bad things will
turn out for the best,
Your good things can
never be taken from you,
Your best things are
yet to come.”
-Jonathan Edwards
