A Little Late Night Dancing

We've got a little over 3 weeks left before we return to Haiti so that Cabila can "stamp-in" to comply with his Visa regulations.  We won't be able to stay full-time yet so our travel plans are a little different than we had hoped/planned. 

As Christmas approaches we are all in a bit of 'emotional roller-coaster land'. As I shared in the last post, these past several months have been incredible but also incredibly hard.  

It's been a rough day mentally.  

My flesh looooooongs for stability and a place to call our own.  

I've wrestled with frustration and doubt.  

And lately, I've taken quite the whipping from my enemy regarding this fight.

I was "unplugging" tonight and listening to iTunes radio when this song came on...

In the process 

In the waiting 

You {God} are making melodies over me.

In Your presence is a promise

for I am a pilgrim on a journey.

You will lift my head above the mighty waves

You are able to keep me from stumbling

and in my weakness 

You are the strength that comes from within

Good Shepherd of my soul

Take my hand and lead me on

You make my footsteps and my path secure

so walking on water is just the beginning

Cause my faith to arise

And stand at attention

For You are calling me to greater things

You lift my head above the mighty waves

You are able to keep me from stumbling

and in my weakness 

You are the strength that comes from within

Good Shepherd of my soul

Take my hand and lead me on

I don't know about you but music speaks to me where words alone just don't reach.  

Call me crazy (it won't be the first time, I promise) but I absolutely love it when God serves up a personal playlist for me. He's hitting deep tonight, serving up one right after the other...

I haven't felt much like singing but when one of my favorite songs came on, I put my earbuds in so that all was drowned out except the words and music to "We Dance".  I turned it up and I was reminded of a late night with our Kinley over 5 years ago as I listened to these words: 

You steady me

Slow and sweet, we sway

Take the lead and I will follow

Finally ready now

To close my eyes and just believe

That You won't lead me

Where You don't go

When my faith gets tired

and my hope seems lost

You spin me round and round

And remind me of that song

The one You wrote for me

And we dance

I've been told

To pick up my sword

And fight for love

Little did I know

That LOVE had won for me

Here in Your arms

You still my heart again

And I breathe You in

Like I've never breathed 'til now

 

Oh Lord, when my faith gets tired

And my hope seems lost

You spin me round and round

And remind me of that song

The one You wrote FOR ME

And we dance

And I will lock eyes

With the ONE who's ransomed me

the One who gave me joy for mourning

And I will lock eyes

With the One who's chosen me

the One who set my feet to dancing

We dance

Just You and me

It's nice to know I'm not alone

I've found my home here in Your arms

As you pray for me, I pray that regardless of where you are (and even if you don't feel like singing), that you don't forget to dance.

*music lyrics by Bethel Music  

Ugh.... The "f" word

A friend I met in Haiti a year or so ago shared these personal words today and opened some flood gates...

"These words have been rehearsed in my head for many days.  I only hope that, while they are from my heart they will come in waters of healing and light as they have come to me. 
The last year and four months have been for our family probably the hardest months we have ever experienced.  Pain, loss, confusion, resentment, and anger have been our bedfellows, and in the midst of our pain, great silence by many. Silence is such a deadly weapon, perhaps more deadly than the words that wound. 
We hoped truth would prevail. We looked for truth ourselves and we battled, not with others but with ourselves, with our faith, with our beliefs, with what, who, how and with our need to forgive.
Oh forgiveness what a word, so easily spoken, so difficult to give. 
Daily we spoke it, daily we begged God to help us forgive, daily we battled. But the more we battled the more we knew the task was impossible, so far above us, so far removed from us. We found ourselves in the shadows of anger's pain and unforgiveness' deadly grip. And when we came to the end of ourselves we saw that in us is no love at all but selfishness and pride, and forgiveness without love is no forgiveness at all. 
So we begged God to show us how, we tried to work up love, speak love... Then it came in the still small loving voice that only a Father can speak, "You can't, but I can. Is not my power made perfect in weakness?" And there it was. The answer. His power made perfect in my weakness.
He who is all love and all forgiving is able to love and forgive though I cannot.
It is His love that covers a multitude of sins.  It is His love that heals the broken heart, it is His love that restores and changes both hearts and lives. How could I ever even imagine that I could ever do it? And in this is freedom. I confess my weakness and am empowered with His great strength and I am free.
Glory to God!"

Being 'home' on furlough the past 4 months has stirred up some intense emotional reservoirs and this post hit deep.
Though uncomfortable at times, I'm so grateful for 'God-happenings' like this. My friend has no idea how I've struggled with these very truths and yet HE stirs His own with words from His own! I'm so glad she followed His lead.

And the dam breaks....

Here's a bit about my current personal stirrings and the "f" word that's been such a struggle for us.
While we've experienced some incredible life events since our move from the US to Haiti almost 3 years ago, I'm not sure life has ever been harder.  Not a "how do you live without: air conditioning, orderly traffic, warm showers and a regularly scheduled pest control guy?" kind of hard but an excruciating hard in the middle of that other hard.

We set out with great excitement, but also great fears, when we flew off of American soil and embraced our new life in Haiti in January 2013.  With time we adjusted to hotter temps, bugs I'd never seen before, bigger bugs than I'd ever wanted to see (especially in my bed), foods that sometimes went down but didn't stay down, loss of privacy and 2-3 hour church services in a different language with occasional communion including nasty cheap wine that took our breath as it went down.
We encountered vendors who wouldn't sell to us because of the color of our skin and others who tripled the price of goods for the same reason.  We witnessed death and poverty on heart-wrenching levels. We watched moms steal so their families could survive and shook as we saw children dig in our trash for 'treasure'.
Oh my gracious, that stuff was hard.

But the thing that leveled us was when we lost our circle that stood with us as we adjusted to all of that hard. A circle that we birthed our babies with, shared our dreams and faith with, that we did everyday life with for 10 years.

Nothing prepared us for running the race and turning to see we were suddenly running without our teammates.

After 10 years of growth with our church family 

and 350 days on the foreign mission field 

our pastor called to tell us that he and

the leadership team members, our co-workers and partners 

were "changing directions".  

With a contingent severance package offer and 

a letter stating, "The value of your work cannot be overstated, 

and [we] cannot fully express the depth of [our] appreciation 

to you and your family for the meaningful differences you have made 

to the many Haitian people with whom your paths have crossed. ..... You 

and your family will continue to be in our prayers 

as you seek to determine the next steps for 

your life and ministry." our jobs abruptly ended...

and so did communication with our circle.

Just like that, decisions were made for us without an invitation to weigh in.
We had 68 days to sort through our things and find another place to go.
A group of men and women we trusted and called family stood silent while we tried to pick up the pieces.
We waited for answers and understanding but silence was the loudest thing we heard.
    "Silence is such a deadly weapon, perhaps more deadly 
     than the words that wound. We hoped truth would prevail. 
      We looked for truth ourselves and we battled, 
       not with others but with ourselves, with our faith, with our beliefs, 
         with what, who, how and with our need to forgive."

Unable to leave Haiti (at that time) with our oldest son who is Haitian, we 'went through the motions' from point A to B to C and so on.

We did the best we could. 

We drove. 

We parked.

We wrestled.

We drove some more.

And after 28 days, we parked and then landed safely but temporarily.

In the process, (like my new friend), we prayed to love and embrace the "f" word: forgiveness.  

I wish I could tell you that forgiveness moved in quickly.

       "...daily we begged God to help us forgive, daily we battled."

             "...we begged God to show us how, we tried to work up love, speak love..."

We were, however, loved back to life right there in Haiti.  Right there in our battle.  We were circled by some new friends and our family and some 'old' friends rallied around as tangible hands and feet of Christ, too.  In the process of healing and in seeking to embrace and extend forgiveness, we began to understand that it wasn't something we could do.  Not on our own, that is...

        "It is His love that covers a multitude of sins.  It is His love that heals the broken heart, 

               it is His love that restores and changes both hearts and lives." 

We were granted permission by the US Embassy to travel 'home' with our Haitian son for an extended period of time in April of this year and we arrived Stateside the last day of June (or early the 1st morning of July, actually).

Over the last 4 months we've enjoyed some extended family time while we've fervently worked to raise funds to get back to Haiti.  It's proved harder than we ever dreamed it would be...again.  Coming 'home' reopened wounds that had just been bandaged and it also uncovered some wounds that we didn't even realize were there.  It's been 23 months since we've heard from our former circle of "leadership team/friends". It's been gruesome being 'at home' without those we couldn't wait to celebrate furlough with, reliving hurts all over again.    

Starting over is never easy but especially when you are back on the battlefield while still nursing some wounds.

It's been hard in the midst of good and we really botch things up some days. Our desire for answers rears it's head and sometimes we wrestle with temptations to take the weight back and operate in our own power, yeh... disastrous.  

And then there are reminders... reminders of our faithful God who is so ABLE when we just aren't.
Thank you so much, my friend, for sharing the reminders today!  
And THANK YOU, God, for speaking through Your own!  While I realize we may never get 'closure' on some things, in You OH God, through our confessed weakness, we are free.

  

We will continue taking one day at a time and aim for love because
       ...forgiveness without love is no forgiveness at all.

"Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their masters..., 

so our eyes look to the Lord our God."

Psalm 123:2

The curtains

"When we fear we can't do the things God calls us to do...that He won't protect and provide...we embrace the lie that our circumstances are bigger than God, and our faith gets placed on the altar of our own perceptions.  If you're like me you often fear what's behind the curtain of God's call, 

...and -frustratingly- He won't let me peek...

...He keeps the curtain of our future drawn 

so we'll learn to live by faith and not by sight, 

so we'll become certain of what we hope for, 

and become sure of God even when we can't see 

how He's working in our current circumstances.

God's plans are never an afterthought.  He created you with weaknesses to keep you on your knees."


As I read these words from my Word For You Today devotional this week, I remembered these photos of Kinley and this set of purple curtains. She had so much fun playing in them when we were out with friends one day.  But let's be honest... as adults, curtains just don't exude that much laughter. As a matter of fact, they breed frustration if we aren't careful...just like Jon Walker shared in, "Is Your Faith in You Fear?"

Maybe you're frustrated regarding some curtains in your life.  I know we've experienced our own share during this current season of waiting. I've wanted to rip the dang curtains down and snatch the rod right out the wall several times over the past few months but then there are reminders like this that put me back on track.

If you're wrestling with God about something He's calling you to do because you just don't feel capable of doing it, know this.......He will equip you to do the job, complete the task, make the connection but He might not reveal what's behind the curtain until you take the first step.

God knows your challenge. 

Your abilities and your resources are not what strengthen you for the journey.

"I can do everything through Him

who gives me strength."

Philippians 4:13

The Flow

When your skill level is high but the challenge of the task is too low, you experience boredom.  When you skill level is too low and the challenge of the task is too high, you experience frustration and anxiety.  But when the level of the challenge matches the level of your skills 

- then you're "in the flow". 

We don't work mainly for money, recognition, promotion, applause, or fame.  We work for flow.  We live for flow.  We hunger for flow, and when it's present, something happens in our spirit as we connect with a reality beyond ourselves 

and partner with God.  

Flow is part of what we experience in that partnership, and in that, 

God in turn uses flow to shape us. 

When you're working in the flow of service to God, when you're experiencing flow in activities that enhance and bless the lives of others - 

you're working "in the Spirit". 

(John Ortberg)

My heart is overflowing with thanksgiving while my body is kneeling and continually praying for provision. So many of you have weathered the storms with us over the last 3 years and you have been incredible to lift us up and even hold us up at times!  You've heard us share about our "flow" and you've encouraged us to KEEP ON SHARING. Some of you have physically worked alongside us and others of you, who couldn't physically go, have worked alongside us through faithful prayer and financial support. Thank you!  Oh my gracious, thank you!

While at home on furlough (a break from our lives and jobs in Haiti) we've prayed about opportunities to share our "flow" and our hearts regarding our call to move and work full-time in Haiti with more families.  We've felt convicted about sharing this opportunity more and many of you have invited us to dinner or to your church or small group to share.  You've purchased Haitian products from us to show support to our family and to families in Haiti who make a living off of the goods they make and sell.  You guys are amazing!

In attempt to further grow our circle, we kicked off our "25-in-25" invitation this past week.  We've shared that we need more families to partner with us in order to make the greatest impact through our jobs so over the span of 25 days we are praying for 25 new partners. If you've talked with us personally or heard us speak in a group you know that we firmly believe that YES God called us to GO but the only way we can DO what we are called to do is with a community that says YES, too.   

We believe that TOGETHER we can be a community that reaches the community of Haiti. So, if you've thought about partnering with our family but haven't done so, we would love for you to be one of the 25-in-25!  You can do that by:

  1) going to http://heartlineministries.org/product/john-dawn-chappelear/

  2) click the button that says "monthly donation"

  3) enter donation amount and click "donate"   

Oh y'all, THANK YOU for growing with us, for praying with us, for sweating with us, for giving with us, for climbing with us, for fattening us up and for sharing with us!  

      You encourage us to keep going!!!   

           

                You fuel our flow!       

Keep growing!

 "As we age we lose the ability to distinguish between the negative anxiety associated with work, stress, and tension, and the positive type that's a natural and exciting part of trying something new.  As a result we become more fearful and avoid anxiety-producing situations.  When that happens, the desire for safety keeps us stuck in neutral.  Trying to avoid risk is like trying to avoid living; without a goal to strive for you stop growing altogether." 

- Dr. Bernard Vittone.  

We stand to learn a lot from the shorter/younger people God has placed in our lives.

Here's to remembering days of dreaming and planning and effort-ing to make those dreams a reality.

Here's to trusting God in spite of our fears!  He's with us, y'all! Trust Him and go after that thing He's placed before you.

Here's to LIVING!

" Do not be afraid...I am your shield, your very great reward."  Genesis 15:1 

Marvelous molding

Overall, our trip back to the States has been much like a ride Cabila and I got on last week at the Mississippi State Fair.  

It was exciting but also terrifying at moments.  It was exhilarating and fun, yet, exhausting.  It was unbelievably fast with crazy flips and speed and it even included several surprises..some we wanted to experience again and again and some we just wanted to end!

I loved the incredible breeze as our seats slowly began to lift but then our legs all-but dangled from the seats and the metal “U” that held us in as we picked up speed. 

We were whisked around and we hung out at the top for a bit from the same metal “U" and then we did a sort of free-fall towards the ground at a break neck pace.  



Then we flipped around and went back up again.  Over and over and over.

At one point I heard Cabila say, 

“Mama, we are going to die!” 

Between flipping and soaring we screamed 

and we laughed 

and we cried out, "that's enough", 

and then "what??? again!?!".  

We soared and then headed to the ground BACKWARDS a few times depending on the way the seats were flipping so we never really knew what to expect even when our eyes were open.  

At the top we could see over the coliseum and across the city but on the way to the bottom we braced ourselves to “miss the ground” every time.

I laughed so hard I literally cried while riding "Speed".  It was definitely an unforgettable experience.  

I would definitely do it again but Cabila is unsure if he would join me. 

(smiles)

Well as you know, we prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and waited and prayed and cried and prayed and prayed some more to have this opportunity to “come home” with Cabila.  You know because many of you prayed WITH us!  It’s been amazing but it’s also been hard.  

The incredible “breeze” we’ve felt as we’ve witnessed Cabila’s first time experiences have been fun and exhilarating, much like the fair ride we rode.  But coming back to the States and facing things and people that trigger hurts that still haven’t completely healed has been excruciating and exhausting, too.  With every twist and turn we've proceeded with apprehension, we've faced questions still unanswered and we've been terrified of reliving some old pains.  

   

This morning my devotion was exactly what I needed.  (I love when that happens!)  Maybe it’s something you need to read, too, so I decided I'd share…

Jesus said, “The stone which the builders rejected has become the chief cornerstone.  This was the Lord’s doing, and it is marvelous in our eyes.”

Note the word “rejected”.  The rejection of his brothers put Joseph on a path that led to the throne of Egypt and the saving of his family and his nation.  How often has something happened in your life that you later realized was necessary? If you hadn’t experienced this or walked through that, you wouldn’t be ready for the blessings you enjoy now.  When you begin to see the hand of God in it you understand that what the Enemy intended for your destruction, God used for your development.  

To be “more than a conqueror” means you can stand up and say: “Here’s how I see it.  It took everything I’ve been through to make me who I am and to teach me what I know.  So I choose to be better, not bitter.  I trust the faithfulness of God more than ever.  I’ve learned that if faith doesn’t move the mountain, it’ll give me strength to endure until tomorrow.  And if it’s not gone tomorrow, I’ll still believe that God is able and trust Him until He does.”

Relax, rejoice; your steps are being arranged by the Lord (see Psalm 37:23).  He hasn’t taken His eye or His hand off you, not even for a single moment.  When you get through this trial you’ll realize that “the worst things that could have happened” was, in reality, “the Lord’s doing”, and it will become “marvelous in your eyes”.

It’s so hard to view hurtful things as good...  
But until it’s all “marvelous in my eyes”, I’ve decided I'll keep on believing that God knows what He’s doing.

Thanks for praying with us and for committing to journey with us!

"Sometimes God will take clay and break down the current mold to make something more beautiful. God will mold us and this molding is not from a God who seeks to destroy, but rather from a God who loves to heal." 

~Kristen McNulty

Sweet spots!

Stop... Go... Stop...

Take 3 steps forward, Take 1 step backward...
Switch it up...
Stop... now Go!

Aaaahhhhhh!!

The last 4 years have felt a lot like a really long game of Simon Says!
(or Jesus says)
*ba-dump-bump (symbols crash)*

Lots of waiting and expecting and hoping and dreaming and following and praying and now we are essentially starting all over again...

3 years.
  Lots of mountains.
    Hard climbs.
      Beautiful terrain.
Tired faith.
  Renewed faith.
    Deep breaths.
      Sighs.

One would think we'd be good at transitions by now but what we keep finding is that with each new twist we are less and we need more and more and more of Christ!  Maybe that's the point.

       I continue to be humbled and along the way (praise Jesus) 

            sweet moments like these happen....

This past weekend we prepared 'thank you' notes for our sponsors by adding a thumb print because...... SIX on a journey! (YEEEEEeeeeeeeee!) 

Anndddd remember last year (this same weekend), part of our family got to go bowling with Jolly and Mammaw and our friends from McHenry First Baptist Church?!?

I even got to bowl alongside my Daddy (the 'non-pro-but-could-be-pro-bowler')!

 Remember???
  Well, guess what?!?

Last night ALL SIX of us got to bowl with Jolly and his 'gang'!
 "For real!"

"Papa John" showing Cabila how it's done!

He picked it up rather quickly!

Confidence... it's a beautiful thing...

 And so is our Kylie!

Caleb got down and dirty with his game!

Oh, and remember Kinley's personal 'Guest House bowling alley'? 

Her practice time paid off!

She wanted 'Daddy's help' at first, but then she was off and running (literally) on her own...

 (I think we created a 'monster'... or two!)

...and our youngest leader even bowled a strike!

"Mama Dawn" ain't what she used to be but she had fun playing!

And she loved getting photos of her guys---

Father/Son Frames

And these two.... I mean really!!!  

Who doesn't love these two?!?

Finishing out with Jolly!

Thanks, Mammaw and Jolly and friends in McHenry, for a great night out...

...and thanks, you guys, for loving us without condition while we await the next set of directions!

“Stand still—keep the posture of an upright man, ready for action, expecting further orders, cheerfully and patiently awaiting the directing voice; and it will not be long before God shall say to you, as distinctly as Moses said it to the people of Israel, ‘Go forward!’”

-Spurgeon