I
have this most awesome calling from God to go & serve with my family in a distant,
strange, unfamiliar area to see Him work first-hand. While that is the
coolest thing ever, I am VERY aware that the things that will take place over
the next 9 months will not at all be easy or comfortable. Although the confidence of my calling doesn’t
change, my feelings change from day to day and sometimes several times within
one day..(I know.. poor John.. right?!?)
Anyway, some days are just harder than others like within a pregnancy…
in the first few months of pregnancy some of us get very sick and just feel
like ‘t-total-crap’. That doesn't mean that
our excitement has ceased or that we don’t get giddy at the sound of that
heartbeat but the discomfort is very present.
Right
now, I’m feeling every bit of the “1st trimester”. I lose it some days just turning on my water
facet or standing in the hot shower knowing that in a few months I won’t have
these “luxuries” at my fingertips like I do now. When I put left-overs in the refrigerator I
think about the possibility of not even having a refrigerator. When I turn on the sound machines at night
while tucking in the kiddos I know that while there will BE some sounds
resonating, it won’t necessarily be what we’re accustomed to. And I just quite honestly cannot get past the
fact that my days are very limited with my 4-legged children. I don’t know whether to squeeze them every
minute I can or distance myself in preparation. So… I do both… I try to be strong
and I keep myself busy and then I cave and I hold them like I’m never going to
hold them again while talking to them through my tears. Yep, talking out loud like they can understand
every word I am saying. I am trying to
relish every moment I have with them… sleeping with my cat curled up right next
to me, running in the back yard with our larger dogs, stretching out on the
floor with our small pony of a dog and scooping up my smaller dog any chance I
get…
(sigh)
I
ran across an old journal entry today after having a minor meltdown and I don’t
think it was coincidental… Here’s what
it said:
(June 14,
2011) “Sometimes, you’ll have to sacrifice certain things in order to obey God.
But it’s better to do that than to ignore His voice, live stressed out, forfeit
His blessing, and end up getting nowhere.
Sometimes God will require things of you that:
1.
He doesn’t seem to require of others
2.
He won’t explain and you can’t understand
3.
When you’ve obeyed, you won’t immediately see the
benefits. But if you’re convinced that
He loves you & has a plan for your life, you’ll surrender to Him in trust,
knowing that in the end it will “go well with you”-(Deut 5:29)
His
purpose for our trials is often to bring us humbly before Him to experience a
breaking in our inner, independent self-sufficient selves and grow us up into
compassionate, patient, spiritually strong, God-glorifying people. He uses
these situations to teach us how to trust that He loves and cares for us enough
to get us through the tough times.”
Wow.. thank you, God, for the reminders and thank you that you are purposeful about wanting me to become who you created me to be - through the pain and all!
“Yet
this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD’s great love we are NOT
consumed, for his compassions never
fail. They are new EVERY morning; great
is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The
LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. The LORD is good to those whose hope is IN HIM, to the one who seeks him; it is
good to wait quietly for…the LORD.”
Lamentations 3:21-26
Thanks. Praying for all of you.
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