I'm guessing his mom, Mary, didn't sleep much last night.
Though the sun came up, Saturday was probably a dreadfully dark morning for her.
Eyes swollen from tears that wouldn't cease, I bet she struggled to get her 'daily routines' done.
They probably just didn't seem as pressing as before.
Acts of his death replaying over and over and over again in her mind, her son was gone and what a brutal departure it was..
Yes, I believe she believed his words that 'this wasn't the end' but I also believe that to her, it sure felt like it was.
Do you ever believe a promise from God and then fight doubts when what you see looks like a contradiction to the promise?
Do you experience wrestling matches with what you know in your head and what you feel in your heart?
Do you hang on to your beliefs when the world around you doubts that you are still sane? And then sometimes, you even doubt that you are sane?
A new friend gave me a new book this week and in it Priscilla Shirer breaks the ice by saying,
"Here, hold my purse while I climb down from whatever pedestal you may have placed me on so we can talk eye to eye."
Yeh, uh huh, what she said.....
Let's leave the titles and expectations and the 'but-you've-got-it-all-together's by the wayside today... I just need to talk with you eye to eye, figuratively speaking of course.
Today is hard. Yesterday was hard. The day before that was hard. And this coming week will be hard. I'm so tired. I am so hungry for some 'girl-time' with those I call sisters. I miss our family. It's been 458 days since I've seen some of them. I miss my pets. Sleeping in the same room with our children is driving me crazy. Having been with my children every day for the last 458 days has been a vehicle for the driving. Hearing things like, "I didn't think you'd make it 6 months" isn't exactly comforting when 16 months in, I'd just like to take a couple weeks off. Witnessing my husband grieve the loss of friends he considered brothers is excruciating. Homeschooling enters a new bracket of challenge when you are trying to do it on the road in a different bunk from week to week. Sucking the fumes from mosquito poison coils and wearing deet day to day is taxing - physically and mentally.
Life is hard.
It's hard for you where you are and it's hard for me where I am... I am no different just because I've been given the label, 'missionary'. I fail repeatedly and am reminded constantly of why I need a Savior.Every.Single.Day.
I get disappointed. I get discouraged. I get lonely. I get angry. I get hurt. I get exhausted.
I'm not SuperMom. I'm not SuperWife. And I'm certainly not SuperChristian.
I'm just a girl from Mississippi that said, "Yes".
But thankfully that's not the end of the story. Saturday wasn't the end of Jesus' story and today is not the end of my story. I may not wake up tomorrow in eternal glory but I have the assurance of knowing that one day I will. This mission I am on is not mission impossible and I want to remind you that----neither is yours. You don't have to be thousands of miles from home to be on a mission field and you don't have to believe your mission is over when you encounter some major road blocks.
John and I saw a t-shirt the other day that said this,
"A bend in the road is not the end of the road. Unless you fail to make the turn."
We've taken so many turns lately that I feel like I need an IV drip of Dramamine. And I don't do IV's.
Thankfully when my flesh fails, I have the luxury of tapping into the healing drug of Jesus himself. But I must chose to do that. Every day I must chose. Sometimes more than once or twice a day I have to chose again and again. God loved me (and you) enough to become flesh and endure indignity and shame and bullying so that we can have assurance of being with Him in glory one day for all of eternity but He doesn't force my hand or my heart. Part of my choosing Him over and over again is admitting that I don't have what it takes to do any of this on my own AND ALSO believing that He does.
Philip Yancey writes, "Normally, we think of someone who dies a criminal's death as a failure." But I rejoice today that Jesus was anything but a failure no matter what it looked like to the human eye. We are not failures in Christ and y'all, God is ABLE to do that which no man can do for us, that which we cannot do for ourselves. So today on the morning after, I am choosing again to trust that He is enough. I pray that wherever you are this weekend that you will let that truth carry you when you just can't go any further.
From the text of our Haitian brother and his family this morning,
"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. Don't let your hearts be troubled and don't be afraid." (John 14:27) Happy Easter."
Just want you to know I am thinking about you all and praying for you! Thank you for sharing I really needed those words today!
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