Restless...

I really tried to catch up on some much needed rest tonight by going to bed early.  I actually went to bed around 8:30!  For this night owl, that is E.A.R.L.Y…anyway, wasn’t long after I got into bed that I started attempting to avoid some of those feelings I blogged about last night in Wo-o-o-o feelings  so I started playing a game on my phone.  After a little conversation with John, I started feeling really anxious cause the feelings I was trying to avoid were creeping up-way too close for comfort-and it wasn’t long before I shut down in conversation all together but kept playing the game (no pun intended)…  When that got old, I checked my messages on FaceBook and then as it got close to 10 o’clock I shut the phone and lights off and tried to go to sleep.  (John was already asleep for those of you wondering if I left him up in the dark.)  Wasn’t long until Hershey (my cat) came and settled in…in my face.  (He’s never satisfied with lying near my feet or at my back but always wants to settle as close as he can to my face/neck area.)  A lot of the feelings I was working so hard to avoid tonight had to do with him and our (2) other four-legged, furry kids so his ever-so-close presence wasn’t helping.  I scooted him over [twice] and he came right back [twice]…now purring…

It’s after 11 o’clock and I can’t sleep so here I am… not resting…

*WARNING: This post may contain material that is unsuitable for readers seeking only happy, frilly, ‘warm & fuzzy’ posts.*

Losing my good friend, Jana, over a week ago was hard for very obvious reasons but extra hard because I think I saw it as the beginning of many goodbyes lurking in my near future.  Goodbyes I wasn’t ready to face.  Not a week ago and not now.  Our close family that is currently within short driving distance will soon be an expensive, full-day’s air-travel-distance away.  Extended family will be farther away than ever before and friends that seem like family will be distant, as well.  Then there are the final goodbyes… my furry children are such a huge part of life as I know it.  Right now one of the biggest hurdles I'm struggling with is losing them.  If you aren’t a pet person, I don’t expect you to understand but these feelings that I have tried to walk around for the last 7 months regarding my pets are exactly the reason I tried to bargain with God years ago when I told him I’d ‘go’ if He ever ‘called’ as long as I didn’t have to give up my pets… for the rich young ruler it was his wealth, for me it was my animal kiddos. I find solace in the fact that I will see family and friends again.  I’ll be able to talk to them (hopefully face-to-face some) with technology but leaving my pets behind means I’m potentially telling them goodbye forever.  Sam, Winston and Hershey (and Mischief before she passed away almost 2 years ago) were my ‘children’ before we had children.  They have been such a big part of my life for over 14 years and quite frankly the thought of having to “interview” people to see who gets to take my pets infuriates me.  I cannot wrap my brain around how I’m supposed to even begin this “search” for new pet-parents for MY pets...pets that I don’t want to give up.  I have tried so hard to face the facts and be ok with this but I’m just not.  Maybe this is stuff you don’t want to know and quite frankly I’m not sure I want some of you to know either but since “there’s more room out than there is in”, I’m leaking…and maybe my transparency won’t be used against me later…

SIDE NOTE: If you’ve asked me about finding homes for them lately and I’ve been less than friendly in my response, I do apologize.  Please don’t take it personal…it’s really my problem, not anything you’ve done.  I met someone last week that had been reading our blog and they asked me if I had found homes for the dogs yet.  I thought I was going to come ‘unglued’ for sure.  I was barely dealing with the loss of my friend and then they wanted to discuss that.  I didn't mean to be rude but I think I walked away without ever really answering the question completely.  

Anyway, I know I’m weird... ok, whatever…I just get really, really, really attached to animals and it literally takes my breath to discuss me moving and leaving mine behind.  2 of my furry kids were birthday gifts to me from John so I guess this is his fault.  (Just kidding, dear!)  Seriously, I know to some my laying next to a grown dog (who, when stretched out is taller than me) is crazy but somehow I feel that if I hold him close enough he won’t disappear.  He's way past his prime and I'm not sure he'll reach his 11th birthday.  Considering his breed has a 8-9 year life expectancy, he's done well!  I selfishly hope I will be able to see him through his last days but only God knows...

Having a cat like my Hershey that has an ‘inner voice’ telling him when I’m struggling and needing a physical presence beside me is unbelievable but actual!  He always seems to be there..even at 4am when I was journaling in my closet about going to Haiti almost a year ago before I shared all my thoughts with John.  He followed me tonight when I got out of bed BTW, and aside from taking a midnight snack break, has been with me while I've been blogging.  

And then there's my Prince Winston…  I’ve never met a more faithful companion than my Winston!  I feel like I’ve been to hell and back a couple of times over the last 15 years and he has been there through it all and still prefers me to any other.  

    Do I still feel like God has called us to move to Haiti? Yes 

    Am I mad at God?  Not at the moment.. I have been angry but I know Him well enough to know He would never call me to do something that isn't for the best in the long run.

    Am I excited about our move and our new adventures in Haiti?  Yes, yes! 

    Am I excited about leaving behind these creatures that I love? Absolutely not!

I just can’t do it, God… I cannot draw the line and cross it…I am not able, God…not in my own strength...I cannot look at them and tell them after 10 ½ to 14 ½ years that I’m leaving them…for good…for another life…an unfamiliar life…
           

Ughghghgh..... By admitting my "issue", I am taking a step and asking… a small step, yes, but I’m asking… not for you to tell me about a friend who has a friend who knows a girl who’s interested in looking at one of my pets BUT asking for some of you to commit to pray with me/for me regarding a goodbye I don’t want to embrace.  Sometimes I feel ridiculous since I’m literally losing sleep over something that seems so huge to me yet pales GREATLY in comparison to what others around me are going through.  But as much as I’d like to believe that it’s not that big a deal, to me.... it is.  It is my monster…it is my joy robber and my giant.  You and I may be in different places and maybe you’d gladly swap “issues” with me but either way, I read tonight in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 where Paul wrote this, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”  I am at a standstill.. I don't know how God is going to "work this for my good" as He says in Romans 8 but I trust Him.  I trust that He is who He says He is and that means He is the Father of compassion.  I believe that He is growing me and I believe that my relationship with Him is reaching new levels.  Doesn't mean that I have to like it or be happy about my call to sacrifice... but then admitting that, that doesn't mean that I'm not happy about the adventures that lie ahead on the other side of my sacrifice, either.  I have always said I was so grateful I didn't live in Bible times where animal sacrifices were customary...while this is not the same, I feel like it is definitely similar.  ...sigh...