Undone

Today I sit in the midst of many emotions.  We’ve had 6 weeks to process some major life changes but I still can’t wrap my mind or my heart around a good bit of them.  What was proposed to us as a business decision in early January quickly turned personal as we were asked to leave Camp Coq, Haiti and I’m really struggling with how that makes me feel.

I completely understand that the house we’ve lived in the past 13 months is not our own but being asked to leave a community that we love is hard, especially when it’s not even the people we live in community with who are asking us to leave.  I hate that we have to leave but what I hate even more is the ugliness that has come about because of it. 

We understand that monetary commitments change; we don’t understand how personal commitments change so dramatically in such a short period of time.

We understand that funding comes and goes; we don’t understand how relationships dissipate so easily. 

We understand that some decisions are hard to make; we don’t understand a lack of compassion when carrying them out. 

We understand moving on; we don’t understand teaching real, relevant, relational while being silent, cold, and absent.

We understand people don’t always agree but we don’t understand an end with no disagreement.   

We understand a body of believers “doing what you have to do” but we don’t understand how a leader says,  

“The value of your work cannot be overstated, and we cannot fully express the depth of its appreciation to you and your family for the meaningful differences you have made to the many Haitian people with whom your paths have crossed.  Rather, this adjustment is being made primarily because of the many challenges inherent for a local church trying to function as a missions-sending organization." 

and then a fellow "friend" from the same body says, 

“John will receive a very good severance package from the church which will allow the multiple choices - stay in Haiti(but not in Camp Coq), come back to MS (but not to LB), or some other foreign location ministry.  I went to Haiti after you arrived and I was disappointed in what I have seen and what has been accomplished since. I had high hopes for your mission but it is time for it to end. My prayers are with you as you make your choice for the future. I also pray you have forgiveness in your heart for the people who had to make a tough decision about your future. It is now time to close and let you think about the choices you made and the choices you will have to make. I hope to see a blog post soon telling everyone you will be moving on. ” 

As I sat in church this morning, I watched as Kylie and Kinley danced with their friends.  I watched as Caleb laughed and sang with his.  I smiled as Cabila sang to God with his hands raised and my heart flipped with both delight and also a great deal of sadness.  I wanted to freeze time for a bit...for their sake but also for mine.  I find myself hanging on things lately… things that until 6 weeks ago were just ‘normal’… things that soon won’t be normal anymore. 

Looking around at church, I thought about so many who accepted us right from the beginning while some took a while to warm up to the idea of having ‘the white family’ in town.  We’ve been so blessed to get to know these people here, both children and adults, alike and I know that our friendships won’t end when we leave but I am really struggling to let go. 

When we packed our things to move from Mississippi, it was a little scary but it was a happy time.  Although we were sad leaving friends and family behind, we were pumped about the move and we were full of joy and excitement.  As we are packing to leave Camp Coq it is very different.

I’m not sharing any of this with you for a response.  I am writing to process where I am and to ask you to pray for me. 

I am confused…  I am torn…  I am sad…  I am scared… I am nervous… I am anxious…  I am disappointed… I am undone.

People are divided as they’ve faced choosing sides and quite frankly I hate that there are sides at all.  I’m struggling with questions I don’t have answers to.  I’m angry that people are fighting when I don’t even know why the fighting started.  I’m angry that our very real enemy is seeking to rip open a body 'for the sake of Christ'.  This is why I shared Battle Cry a month ago…  people are being hurt while a very real enemy is seeking to kill, steal and destroy. "