I’m sick of feeling, honestly, but if I learned one thing in recovery years ago with my precious friend Sherry it’s that the more I deal with the feelings, pain and all, the less it has me consumed/controlled and the better off I’ll be! So, while there’s lots I’d STILL rather keep hidden, especially from those I feel I am supposed to impress, I know that spewing every now and then is necessary…and it’s good.
I’ve lived several days in denial over the last couple of months regarding the hard days that are here and those that are still to come. I admit it… I don’t like painful situations and I chose to take the good and leave the bad for later. Unfortunately, the bad is not just future junk. I’ve not done myself any favors by just embracing the good on this journey and leaving the not-so-good by the wayside as a coping mechanism. God blessed me with another friend who forced me out of that denial this week. (sigh) Thanks, I think… ha! Would I sign up for the hell I felt this week and do it again if given the opportunity? Ummm, no…absolutely not BUT today I am grateful! I certainly didn’t see the last few days as a blessing in the midst but I know that God is working ALL things for my good! My journey doesn’t end here... with the hard stuff. In Proverbs we are promised that “..weeping may remain for a night but joy comes in the morning.” I tend to want to argue time frames with God when it’s been multiple “nights” but then He says in His word that a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day. J I trust you, God, but I'm really hoping to forego the thousand years thing!
Today, my heart is steady and I’m thankful! I’m thankful for those surrounding me with love WHILE I spew. I’m thankful for the love notes I’ve received the last 24 hours and I’m thankful that while my friends have their own junk going on, they take time out to check on me and mine. I’m thankful for the one who took care of & loved on my girls yesterday when I couldn’t hold my composure and just needed to melt. I’m thankful for the references of Ps 66 and 1 Cor 4:16-18 and for the precious ones who sent them! I’m thankful that my good looking mate gives me space to melt and doesn’t require of me when I have nothing to give-loving me through and through. I’m thankful for my 3 beautiful children that each love me differently but completely! I’m thankful that even though I’m 37 years old my parents don’t hold back the support and affirmations they know I need when I am struggling! Getting personal messages from my Mama or my Daddy when they sense something is wrong never gets old. I’m thankful that I belong to Jesus! We are told that we will endure pain and suffering here in this broken, sinful world but He never fails to show me uniquely that He’s there even in those times. His love is like no other! His love is fierce, it’s deep and it’s wide and it’s furious! It’s strong, it’s sweet and it’s wild! It covers me AND my crappy days! It is overwhelming and it satisfies! It’s not an immediate fix or a pain reliever, necessarily, but it is lasting! He offers hope! Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” He created us to be full, I believe that! Remember my post, “I’m Pregnant”? I shared an old journal entry where I had recorded this…:
“His
purpose for our trials is often to bring us humbly before Him to experience a
breaking in our inner, independent self-sufficient selves and grow us up into
compassionate, patient, spiritually strong, God-glorifying people. He uses
these situations to teach us how to trust that He loves and cares for us enough
to get us through the tough times.”
Also, God told the prophet Habakkuk, “The
vision is yet for an appointed time…Though it tarries, wait for it” in Habakkuk
2:3. I trust that He has a purpose for
all my days, even the ones I’d like to skip.
And so I will wait in hopeful expectation of what is to come…
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